Saturday, January 31, 2009

World's Longest Hair?

Property of AP

Tran Van Hay's hair is sooooooo long, he curls it up and wraps a turban around his head. And this ain't your Osama turban. The Vietnamese man's hair is said to be a world record for men, at 6.3 m (20 ft 7 in)...(he's applied with the Guinness folks, but the length hasn't been verified).

He hasn't cut it in 42 years. He's no doubt displaced a few neck vertebrae by now. Supposedly it's been a decade since his last spritz. That's one greazzzy mess.

I wish I could understand Vietnamese, so I could hear why he would friggin' do such a thing.

If his hair IS verified as the longest, it would put him in rare company, along with this fellow. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Ray Moon, world's oldest body builder

Thursday, January 29, 2009

Men and Friggin' Hair Dye

I would prefer to start this out with a string of profanities. But...I'll try to be a bit objective.

So, let's look at the face of things:

  1. You look like Blago, but you're way younger. So...there's a plus. ('t tried to sell anything lately, eh? You your soul, a racetrack, a Senate seat?)
  2. Is that really your hair or are you just happy to see me? Can hair be that "big" on a man and be real?
  3. How'dja decide which part would be blonde, and which would be red?
  4. Didja think anyone would notice how fucking nutty you look?
  5. How much didja make for posing for this photo? I'll bet it's more than I made slaving for the MAN all this month. It's certainly more than it cost me to write and support this friggin' blog.
  6. Are you really blue-eyed, or are those contacts? Once you color your hair so much, you can't even tell your true color yourself, can you?
  7. How's your mom feel about all this? I'll bet she beats you with a wooden spoon whenever you come home. 'I....DIDN'T....TEACH...YOU...TO...BE...THIS...FLAMBOYANT.'
  8. I'll further bet you like it.
  9. I'll double further bet your mom dresses you.
  10. Dude. Baby blue ties don't go with fake red hair. See: Men's Wearhouse 101.

Wednesday, January 28, 2009

Crystal Gayle Hair


I just have to know. When you have hair that you can wrap around yourself and go out in the world and appear clothed...just how do you function?

Let's skip the obvious toiletry issues.

Just how in the world do you move around. People step on it. It drags in the mud. Dogs think it's a chew toy and tug on it. Bald people want to kill you.

And why go there, anyway? Do you lock yourself in a room, waiting...reading Cosmo...miming to Rachel Hunter workout tapes...and...wait some more? Do you measure length every day? Every hour? Every minute?

Is it like when you try to lose weight and conveniently misplace the scale, like in the garbage bin? Do you remove all mirrors and rulers and make your husband take his measuring tape to the office?

Doesn't the anticipation just kill you? How long did it grow today? .05 cm. DAMN!

And what do you do if it DOESN'T grow like you thought it would. Do you tug on it to make it longer...until your scalp bleeds?

And if your hair is longer than your sister' you have to worry about her sneaking into your room while you sleep and hacking you down to Ellen Degeneres' style?

That's a heavy burden. Heavy indeed.

Oh...and I did promise Crystal Gayle, didn't I?

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Holy Crap, Batman. Is that Larry King Hair?

I don't know what happened to Larry here, or if this snapshot's even real. (The image appears to be on TV, so it MUST be true!)

I do know this. Bad softball interviewers don't lend themselves to good critiques when you wind up on a dumbass hair blog like this one.

I'm thinking...oh...I don't know...Barron Harkonnen?

No...not quite it. But...

What about?

Bride of Frankenstein?

Oh...yeah. That's it.

If she had a little more color, and were a little more dead, she'd be Larry King's queen.

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Awesome Geert Hair


Here is some hair you should really get behind, particularly when he's being prosecuted by the Dutch for speaking the truth....

So...give Geert Wilders a little love. Because this hair speaks in defense of liberty.

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Glare Hare

If looks could kill.

Yeah, dude. I'm a little cold right now. Do you think you'd be friggin' happy looking like Howie Mandel?

Can I give you some advice? Go feed an alligator.

I need to crawl under a rug before I freeze my ass off.

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Our Gang Hair

This gal's been around for a while in bad hair land. By far she outlasts Cynthia McKinney in a Crazy Bitch Bingo Static Electricity Contest, I'm betting.

I'm reminded of Our Gang (the Little Rascals, for you uninitiated). I hope she wasn't down in the hole for long. No telling what got living in her hair when she was in.

Friday, January 16, 2009

Aww...Bloody Hell Hair

Really, Camillia. Does it look like you've tousled my hair a wee bit much? I do so adore our time together, but I'm not quite ready for a prime time prince hanging now, eh?

C'mon an' give me some luv....

Wednesday, January 14, 2009

Sibling of Tongue Hair

A while back, I introduced you to Tongue Hair, simply the most hair I'd ever seen on one (presumably) human being, at the time. I thought I'd found the mother hair lode, the lair of all bad hair. (I was even considering shutting down this site...I can't really top that's just so...tonguey.)

I should have known. There are more...and there are worse. (And, so, you are stuck with me.) Take this guy/gal. I'm almost ready to accept that she/he's attached a bag of hair to her/his own. You can't really grow tips like that when your hair is 10-feet-long, can you?

Monday, January 12, 2009

Renée Zellweger's Happy Hair

For such a pretty woman, Renée Zellweger has some decidedly bad taste. First there's that thing she wore last night, to the Golden Globes. goodness...I'm devastated by the Happy Hair she displays here (I can expect as much from Cameron Diaz, who's about as goofy as a 6-toed sloth). Is she going '80s or just happy to see a camera?

My faith in Renée is...well...shattered. I'll never look at Mae Braddock (and you can kiss my white behind, Stallone, this IS the greatest boxing movie EVER!) the same again.

Saturday, January 10, 2009

Bon Jovi Hair

Hi. I'm Mickey Rourke. The only reason you're seeing me here is because I've reclaimed my acting career (yet another Bad Friggin' Hair comeback story). You can check me out in the The Wrestler.

But while you're here, don't I look pretty with my Bon Jovi hair? And why am I always holding a small animal in my photos?

Friday, January 9, 2009

The Running Man

The running man and his Lego hair, brought to you by ObamaChrist. (This cultural criticism is taking me to some strange places, folks).

Bad Friggin' Outfit

Courtney Love is the classic walking disaster. She's who Britney wanted to be (well, before she got all rebounded). She's Lindsay Lohan's inspiration. She was actually quite good as the broken-down, track-marked, life-love of the new bailout wannabe in The People Vs. Larry Flynt, if you like characters who tend to resemble their actors.

Wild thing. I think I love you...I think I...just puked all over my keyboard.

(Tip nod: Mrs. Dr. Dave, aka, Mrs. ADHD. There's always a great woman behind a really friggin' whacked man.)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Memory Hair

Sometimes a search for bad friggin' hair leads me down memory in the stone least when it comes to the Internet. Today I found a "caption this" contest for the UK's Ariadne Magazine with a deadline of November 1, 1996. That must have been prime PC time, as the post warns that "obscene or offensive captions are immediately rejected" (which immediately would have ruled out your stupid narrator).

Note the website was last updated September 11, 1996. Not only is the site not even Web 1.0, the 2008 version isn't all that much better.

Since the poor lad's captions never seem to have been published, why don't we revive the contest here in the comments section?

I'll go first: "It was a dark and stormy night...and my Mom threatened me with a hair cut. I swear that's why I shot her, officer!"

Monday, January 5, 2009

Tongue Hair

The more I look at this whacky hair, the more I think of a big brown tongue hanging off the back of this chick's (I PRESUME she's a chick) head. Obviously a back sleeper, if you catch the pattern. The stuff's so matted, I can actually see taste buds. This is one case where a call for an iron would be in order.

How much do you think that stuff weighs? Does she have neck trouble just holding it up?

Sunday, January 4, 2009

Felonious Hair Assault

You have to hand it to mugshotdujour -- sweetness is the simplicity of the insult:
Barron Asher was arrested for assaulting us with his hair. In the words of Daniel, who sent this gem to me (thanks again David!), every girl wants to bring him home to mom and dad.
The Lord loves Pippi Longstocking, too...just not in a police lineup. Hope it was worth it. Oh...I'm sorry. Are those tears, or are you just sad to be going back to visit your jailhouse friends?

Friday, January 2, 2009

Ode to Bad Hair

I'd say publishing a book about about bad hair is even more kooky than publishing a blog about bad hair. At least I can shut it down (or be shut down). The book lives forever in somebody's library, no doubt.

I particularly like the glammy shots of bad interactions with a can of hairspray, and the men who gave up their manhood in the process. So pretty!