Shannon Doherty's Hangover Hair vs. Spider Leg Hair Guy

Freaky. Freaky. Freaky.

I can't decide who is worse.

Shannon Doherty's composite character of Courtney Cruela Addams?

Or this soccer guy right here:

He sure is loco. Um...dude...when you shaved your bald-ass head this morning. You forgot to put your pet spider away. He's still sitting right there, on your forehead. I'm concerned he's going to fall off, and...[obligatory PETA reference insert]...you'll squish him while chasing down the ball.

It's even worse, in my humble opinion, than Shelob the Tarantula.

Yep. I've made my decision. Having bad friggin' hair days myself, now and then, I can forgive Doherty's hangover hair.

But Spider Leg Hair Guy? You take the cake. You win this week's Bad Friggin' Hair award.

Academy Award-Winning Artichoke Dress

WTF is wrong with this picture?

Miley Cyrus, aka Hannah Montana (whom, I'm proud to say, my kids think is friggin' boring), showed up at the Academy Awards tonight in a dress that looks like an artichoke.

Why be so hateful, Miley? Why aren't you dressed like a tomato? A potato (or po-tat-o)? What have you against squash? Don't you think broccoli and carrots and cauli-for-nia feel left out?

I'm going to call Al Sharpton as soon as I post this. You are egregious and vegacist, and you need to be stopped!

The Amazing Limp-Wristed Terrorist

C'mon! Now...turn a blind eye.

Jean Akhbar had a VERY bad upbringing. French mom...Islamic dad. He was torn between two worlds...Should I be a white-flag-waving whore? Should I be a cowardly-islamofascist-terrorist?

Decisions...decisions....

When you're this fruity...everything's a mystery. Including where you hide the bomb.

DAMMIT, OSAMA. You didn't teach me this in that Afghani cave. BUT, oh! did I teach YOU a thing or two!

At Long Last! Cousin IT

I've had a trim...a dye....and a sex change...but I still won't show my face. I'm a shy devil, you see. And I'm hip (cool people wear purple). Who needs to see anyway?

Umm...sir...sir...can you show me where my drink is?

Now...I'm bored. If only Gomez were here to blow up the model trains or something.

Fugly Marilyn

From TMZ's "Guyliner" series

I think I know why Marilyn Manson (aka Brian Hugh Warner) wears so much makeup. And it has nothing to do with the tradition of shock rock dating back to equally bizarre (but likeable, in a strange way) Alice Cooper:

Marilyn's just plain fugly.

I can dig some of your tunes, Marilyn, being an eclectic wacko who owns plenty of Beethoven and even more Overkill...but look at you I cannot.

I'm Too Sexy for My...Chest Hair

"I'm...too sexy for my shirt...too sexy for my shirt, so sexy it hurts..."

Sorry, pal...the heart thing makes me want to tear my eyes out.

Bad friggin' idea. Right Said Fred you ain't.

Metal-driving Medusa Hair

Brain Fair, singer for the metal band Shadow's Fall, has some really whacked out hair.

I'm quite certain I see fangs in those strands. If he's a gorgon, it's troubling that he'd be turning his listeners to stone (particularly in this economy...and with the sad state of affairs in the music industry). Surely his record company would be troubled by dwindling sales...not because the music sucks but because no one's left to buy it.

If I were the band's manager, I'd definitely convince him to go for something more wholesome. There's always the Nikki Sixx smack addict look. Chicks dig that shit, man.

Mr. Mohawk

Mugshotdujour.com

I always wanted one of these as a kid (a little disclosure: The Sex Pistols and The Clash were among my first favorite bands). Luckily for my Mom, I didn't get one.

She probably would have disowned me. Lord knows I gave her enough other reasons. (And, yes, she stops by here now and then, so I'll avoid the details.)

I wonder if this guy's mom still loves him, particularly since he's now staring (and starring) on mugshotdujour.com and Bad Friggin' Hair.

Probably. Doesn't he have a face only a mother could love?

Goat Head Hair

Well...to be fair...it's a hat...made out of hair...but still. WHY? Artist Nagi Noda, creator of the hair hats, is nutty as a fruit bat.

Another Nagi Noda creation:



Wholly Friggin' Crap!

OMG! I Like Your Hair

Pshyeah! Scotty...your scalp itches because you have coutties in your unisex hair....

Here's the youth of today, America. Hope you like your future leaders:

World's Longest Hair?

Property of AP

Tran Van Hay's hair is sooooooo long, he curls it up and wraps a turban around his head. And this ain't your Osama turban. The Vietnamese man's hair is said to be a world record for men, at 6.3 m (20 ft 7 in)...(he's applied with the Guinness folks, but the length hasn't been verified).

He hasn't cut it in 42 years. He's no doubt displaced a few neck vertebrae by now. Supposedly it's been a decade since his last spritz. That's one greazzzy mess.

I wish I could understand Vietnamese, so I could hear why he would friggin' do such a thing.



If his hair IS verified as the longest, it would put him in rare company, along with this fellow. I'm not sure that's a good thing.

Ray Moon, world's oldest body builder

Men and Friggin' Hair Dye

I would prefer to start this out with a string of profanities. But...I'll try to be a bit objective.

So, let's look at the face of things:

1. You look like Blago, but you're way younger. So...there's a plus. (You...um...haven't tried to sell anything lately, eh? You know...like your soul, a racetrack, a Senate seat?)
   
2. Is that really your hair or are you just happy to see me? Can hair be that "big" on a man and be real?
3. How'dja decide which part would be blonde, and which would be red?
4. Didja think anyone would notice how fucking nutty you look?
5. How much didja make for posing for this photo? I'll bet it's more than I made slaving for the MAN all this month. It's certainly more than it cost me to write and support this friggin' blog.
6. Are you really blue-eyed, or are those contacts? Once you color your hair so much, you can't even tell your true color yourself, can you?
7. How's your mom feel about all this? I'll bet she beats you with a wooden spoon whenever you come home. 'I....DIDN'T....TEACH...YOU...TO...BE...THIS...FLAMBOYANT.'
8. I'll further bet you like it.
9. I'll double further bet your mom dresses you.
   
10. Dude. Baby blue ties don't go with fake red hair. See: Men's Wearhouse 101.

Crystal Gayle Hair

Ok.

I just have to know. When you have hair that you can wrap around yourself and go out in the world and appear clothed...just how do you function?

Let's skip the obvious toiletry issues.

Just how in the world do you move around. People step on it. It drags in the mud. Dogs think it's a chew toy and tug on it. Bald people want to kill you.

And why go there, anyway? Do you lock yourself in a room, waiting...reading Cosmo...miming to Rachel Hunter workout tapes...and...wait some more? Do you measure length every day? Every hour? Every minute?

Is it like when you try to lose weight and conveniently misplace the scale, like in the garbage bin? Do you remove all mirrors and rulers and make your husband take his measuring tape to the office?

Doesn't the anticipation just kill you? How long did it grow today? .05 cm. DAMN!

And what do you do if it DOESN'T grow like you thought it would. Do you tug on it to make it longer...until your scalp bleeds?

And if your hair is longer than your sister's...do you have to worry about her sneaking into your room while you sleep and hacking you down to Ellen Degeneres' style?

That's a heavy burden. Heavy indeed.

Oh...and I did promise Crystal Gayle, didn't I?

Holy Crap, Batman. Is that Larry King Hair?

I don't know what happened to Larry here, or if this snapshot's even real. (The image appears to be on TV, so it MUST be true!)

I do know this. Bad softball interviewers don't lend themselves to good critiques when you wind up on a dumbass hair blog like this one.

I'm thinking...oh...I don't know...Barron Harkonnen?



No...not quite it. But...

What about?

Bride of Frankenstein?


Oh...yeah. That's it.

If she had a little more color, and were a little more dead, she'd be Larry King's queen.

Awesome Geert Hair

Now...

Here is some hair you should really get behind, particularly when he's being prosecuted by the Dutch for speaking the truth....

So...give Geert Wilders a little love. Because this hair speaks in defense of liberty.

Glare Hare

If looks could kill.

Yeah, dude. I'm a little cold right now. Do you think you'd be friggin' happy looking like Howie Mandel?

Can I give you some advice? Go feed an alligator.

I need to crawl under a rug before I freeze my ass off.

Our Gang Hair

This gal's been around for a while in bad hair land. By far she outlasts Cynthia McKinney in a Crazy Bitch Bingo Static Electricity Contest, I'm betting.

I'm reminded of Our Gang (the Little Rascals, for you uninitiated). I hope she wasn't down in the hole for long. No telling what got living in her hair when she was in.

Aww...Bloody Hell Hair

Really, Camillia. Does it look like you've tousled my hair a wee bit much? I do so adore our time together, but I'm not quite ready for a prime time prince hanging now, eh?

C'mon an' give me some luv....