Men and Friggin' Hair Dye

I would prefer to start this out with a string of profanities. But...I'll try to be a bit objective.

So, let's look at the face of things:

1. You look like Blago, but you're way younger. So...there's a plus. (You...um...haven't tried to sell anything lately, eh? You know...like your soul, a racetrack, a Senate seat?)
   
2. Is that really your hair or are you just happy to see me? Can hair be that "big" on a man and be real?
3. How'dja decide which part would be blonde, and which would be red?
4. Didja think anyone would notice how fucking nutty you look?
5. How much didja make for posing for this photo? I'll bet it's more than I made slaving for the MAN all this month. It's certainly more than it cost me to write and support this friggin' blog.
6. Are you really blue-eyed, or are those contacts? Once you color your hair so much, you can't even tell your true color yourself, can you?
7. How's your mom feel about all this? I'll bet she beats you with a wooden spoon whenever you come home. 'I....DIDN'T....TEACH...YOU...TO...BE...THIS...FLAMBOYANT.'
8. I'll further bet you like it.
9. I'll double further bet your mom dresses you.
   
10. Dude. Baby blue ties don't go with fake red hair. See: Men's Wearhouse 101.